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If Peterson's kid didn't want to get spanked, then he shoudn't have misbehaved. He'll know better next time. 
FACT: In the Czech Republic, abortions are called cancelled Czechs
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me????
It ain't over until Adele sings.
Daughter: Dad I'm a lesbian Dad: ok it's cool 2nd daughter: I'm also a lesbian Dad: Does anyone in this family like *%#k? Son: I do!
Why did Bella choose Edward instead of Jacob??? Cause Edward can still go down on her even if it's her time of the month
just hung up with the muffin man. he said he's feeling crummy
How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
When GOD pushes you to the edge of difficulty trust him fully because two things can happen. Either he will catch you when you fall, or he will teach you how to fly.
Hey Obama, I could use that change now. I am doing laundry and could use the quaters.
When OIL prices were high it was all "Obama's fault" according to Republicans. Now that they are low it is the market.
Blasphemy - the idea there's a superior being who can make the mountains, the oceans and the skies, but who still gets upset about something I said. He's an all-powerful being; he's just got self-esteem issues.
Why did God create man? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
After Palin's speech today, we need a rally for Restoring Grammar.
One of the greatest moments of progress in world peace and democracy was tearing down the Berlin Wall. Only a true psychopath would think building a giant wall is a progressive step in our world.
During Obama's appearance on Mythbusters, Glenn Beck will debut his new Fox News show, Mythspreaders.
troubled by the thought of being not able to write a sensible status message
get's the feeling that whenever Sarah Palin sees a Pro-Sarah bumper sticker, she rolls down the window, goes "WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP!!!!" and generally makes a fool of herself.
if you read the Bible backwards Jesus is crucified, develops a large following, and then a lot of horrible things happen to people. Oh wait that happened after the bible too...
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave. 