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In my dream, I was just about to have sex with Meagan Fox, but my alarm went off. You can say I got clock blocked. 
A guy walks into a bar with a toad on his head. The bartender says, "Jesus fella, what happened to you?" The toad says, "It all started with a wart on the ass!"
Blake Shelton said he sits by Lady Gaga at Emmys. He hope she has on meat dress because he is hungry. Like the way he thinks.
hey kids, come on and put your tin foil hats on so you wont get wet in this electrical storm
Due to the ever changing musical landscape, we may never know who rocked the party that rocked your body.
Wanted: Dyslexics to work 5 to 9.
cleaning out his closet, I mean my loser friends that have real lives and never like my status!
Right about now, Billy Crystal is waking up totally nude in a huge champagne glass somewhere.
There is no such thing as a man being Inappropriately touched by a female !
Whenever someone tells an old and tired joke, I alway feel the urge to ask them, "Have you been living under a rock for the past decade?"
I wonder what would Meat Loaf do for a Klondike Bar?
Los Angeles hasn't changed me. I still put on leather pants one leg at a time.
ready for a football, family, food, and farts...Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Cyber Monday!! A/S/L?
just ate 4 fiber bars today, been on the toilet for the past hour :/
I need you guys to vouch for me. I accidentally spelled Satan instead of Santa in Christmas lights and my neighbors house and now they are convinced that my star of Bethlehem is a pentagram......:/
Im thinking of opening a specialty store that caters to people with A.D.D. I will call it "The Shiny Squirrel". Or I might just throw rocks at this tree.
Dear Liver: thank you for being a most gracious and forgiving blood filter. Love, me.
Man, those Brits are jubilee-ing their balls off.
Whether being sincere or romantic, never, EVER, call your wife the 8th wonder of the world when she is PMSing!!
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