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Oh, when I'm at work I wear my phone on my belt and I am a douche, When Batman does it, Its a bada55 utility belt... Double Standards. 
You know your ass is getting big when it's cold and you have to use BOTH seat warmers in your car...
If there is an afterlife, I will spend all of it in the statistics archives looking up how many beers I drank, hours I spent on fb, etc...
I walk in on my wife putting on wrinkle cream. I ask what she's doing....she replies "Ironing"!!
Justin and Selena broke up. I guess she got tired of dating girls and wants to give guys a try.
There's a fine line between being a freak and being a creep, Don't make me cross that line!
I'm sorry,,, But we need to find a way to somehow combine "Shark Week" and "New Years" into one event..
Sarcasm 2012 style "Why don't you Gangnam style your way off the nearest cliff?"
5 Reasons I'm so good at procrastinating... 1: Ah, screw it. I'll do it later.
Please don't let anyone come over here, please don't let anyone come over here" - me after I fart
Given today's gas prices, Ludacris should consider finding hoeZ in the same area code.
Christmas and St. Paddy's Day are the busy season for midgets.
Hm, the light changed green but we're not moving. Sure hope an idiot didn't slip through the cracks somehow and obtain a license!
Settling in for the night with a glass of orange juice and the Dukes of Hazzard.
The day before the annual Gregorian calendar re-set. Here's where I get all sappy and tell my pals how much they rock. You guys are the best. Happy New Year!
hopes everyone had a great night, got drunk and woke up wearing someone else's underpants. Happy 2012!
I look forward to the day I get to complain to my grandkids about how when I was growing up we didn't have 3D porn.
Maybe my microwave is leaking radiation, but I could swear Orville Redenbacher just asked me if I can keep a secret from my mommy and daddy.
Going where the cool people are... Outside!!
How cool would it be to be rich enough to own a falcon? I think there's a difference between being rich, and then there's owning a falcon rich....:) 