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I hate liars, hypocrites, & people who take advantage of people who care about them 
Out of respect to my friends in Boston, I won't say how bad I hate the Pats and how I pray an earthquake will occur causing the side of the field they're on to open up, they all fall in, and then snaps back shut.
I smoke cigarettes so that people will walk up to me and talk about death.
Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel right after turning all this water into Budweiser
Hey uk at least we know how to put on a opening ceremony. Sincerely china
Snooki has her baby, and Mike Tyson takes a crap.. Scientists are baffled by the amazing similiarities of both results..
Does Roseetta Stone work? I want to learn to speak Mexican!
BREAKING NEWS: Biden rushed to the hospital after collapsing of a laught attack to the news of Obama win!
Anything you can do I can do drunker.
In the 50's things where better then they are today!...and oh yeah! you're an idiot
When eating her from behind you know you're doing it correctly if her bhole pinches your nose closed.
When Chelsea Clinton has her baby, do you think Bill is going to celebrate with a cigar?
Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind.
so drunk , I thought my toothpaste was astronaut food....
not and alcoholic, I'm just thirtsy.
I wore a Michael Vick jersey to the dogpark. Yea, I'm a badass. What.
Every time I eat Chinese food I wear something nice, just in case I die in the same position as Elvis.
Ladies... As long as I have a face, you have a place to sit on. : p
Man, I slept like an air traffic controller last night.
I can turn wine into a one night stand. Your move Jesus. 