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as long as charlie sheen thinks he's winning, why can't can we just let him win? 
I found out it was really hot outside by actually venturing out there. WTF Facebook? You are suppossed to tell me these things first.
I think you are funny. My girlfriend thinks you are hot, all of a sudden you not so funny anymore
Lesson of the day: only the parent of a gassy infant can truly appreciate the beauty in the sound of a fart.
Its funny how some people treat their relationship like a brand, complete with a pitch, advertising campaign and an audience.
If you seriously get jealous of them having friends of the opposite sex on Facebook, then your a$$ deserves to be dumped.
An American blue collar boy's simple pleasure: AM country classics!
In the 80s and 90s we had Government Cheese. What is next Salami?
Do emo kids not get enough Happy Meals as a kid?
pandora just gave me a Hanson song and it wasn't even Mmmbop...Shamful!!!
Me and my 2 friends can satisfy any women...Yup me and my good friend VISA and M/C...
I saw 2 people lost in front of the Garmin Store
someone accused me of being patronizing! that means I treat people like their stupid.
Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise...
I always watch the credits at the end of a movie just to see if there's a chance I got drunk and stumbled onto the set.
Every year for Halloween, Kanye West dresses up as Kanye West.
Sorry I pee peed all over your bathroom, but my Shakira ringtone came on and my hips reacted naturally.
I got a sixth degree black belt in I don't give a f**k. . .
The moment you understand the value of life, is the moment you die.
If it burns when I pee that just means someone's thinking about my junk right? RIGHT!? GUYS SERIOUSLY 