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I think I am safe if I commit a crime that goes to trial cause no way they'll find 12 people to sit on a jury as my peers 
Her wedding day means no more sucking, shaving or starving!
Its no coincidence that my internet addiction started on the same day I got married.
*stops to smell the roses* *steps in dog poop..
”I used to be the Internet!” – The Library
Spice things up during family dinners this holiday season by slamming your wine glass down and demanding "What do you people want from me!?"
Revenge is a dish best served on the dance floor.
I'm glad that Christmas is over so I don't have to see that no talent ass clown who became famous and started winning Grammys on Honda commercials anymore!
There's no crying in Vodka
Highway slumber party tonight in Atlanta, free urinal and feces bucket..
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
When I was growing up we didn't have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear.
I'm regreterosexual.
I lost my "Shweaty balls" recipe. I'm sure I'll find it after I go to the gym tomorrow.
church is the weirdest place ever, they form a choir and then force everyone in the congregation to sing.
"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with a couple police officers, you'll know" that you're an as$-hole.
The chefs are going to roux the day they told me I couldn't make a white sauce
Took a girl to starbucks because I forgot her name!
When my wife asks me to hold her purse, I look cool by looking over my shoulder nervously as if I'd just snatched it.
Amongst all the beautiful women in this world.. There's always an idiot ex-boyfriend, who still expects her love again. 