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May the fleas of 1000 camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch it. 
The Saints are rooting for the Cowboys because its the same as a bye week.
'Tis the season in Chicagoland where there is a fine line between illegal lane usage and dodging pot holes.
If I ever decide I do not want to get on facebook I'm not going to delete my account.. What I will do is see if I can get all my friends and family to delete and block me before facebook deletes my account for me
Has Susanne Atanus looked in a mirror? What's god punishing her for?
The great thing about hanging up on someone is you can no longer hear them talking.
Love fades with time, shape, weight, looks and bank balance.
Wow Newman looks the best out of all of them
Most people don't know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds
Slipped on a banana peel and fate caught me
“I want to see my lawyer” - grilled chicken
Malaria is a pretty name for a girl.
Presidents Day is here, when we can celebrate Abraham Lincoln driving all the vampires out of the USA
For valentine's day I wrote out a list of 100 ways we can die together.
Dear Chive: Stop me if you've heard this already but your new app suc...
FACT: I prefer Dairy Queen Blizzards to Jonas blizzards.
Now I'm not Mexicana but I think that new song "no me gusta" is Spanish for "That's not my Goose"
It's not a real trip to the grocery store until I run into someone I know, say goodbye to them, and run into them in the very next aisle.
Quick, someone take one for the team and fall in love with me. Happy Valentine's Day.
You say I'm losing myself to alcohol like it's a bad thing. 