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If you had to choose between your husband and winning the lottery… Which designer purse would you buy 1st? 
Adele looks like a charcoal briquette
Finally figured out what twitter was today, the thing between the twaat and the sh*tter.
Don't worry altar boys, I'm sure this new pope will be as admirable & honest as the last couple guys.
Conrad Bain (aka Mr. Drummond) has died. A family spokesperson said he suffered a series of small strokes, all of them a little different.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel - instead of send.
A thief broke into my house last night.... He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
When I die, I want my friends to put a package of saltines in my coffin with a note saying "Best cracker out of the whole pack."
YEAH!!! We should take guns from everyone now......we should also remove everyones teeth just in case to save face
Weed is Illegal” “Yeah, so is the music in your iPod.
I once met a guy who wrecked himself. He was always bummed he hadn't checked himself first. So sad.
Im kinda new to video games, how do I get these ghosts to stop following me
James Gandolfini is dead and we have a new Kardashian. Athiests win....there is no god...
Ask not what my pen*s can do for you... but what you can do for my pen*s.
I don't give a crap about you, your, you're or there, their, they're. I'm only worried about tiddy, titty or tittie…
Ain't no worse feeling than someone you love thinking and believing you did something you didn't even do.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette and exploded. What in the hell do they put in butterflies?
Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind
When all else fails, just slap yourself in the face.
I Rock, Therefore I Am. I'm Stoned, Therefore I Have the Munchies. 