Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My Jewish friend said I used a word out of context but I hate arguing Semitics.

   Just because you don't like him, doesn't mean he's gay.

   I want you to know something but I dont want to tell you so I'll let the first three words of this sentence

   My child has the flu and wants a hug. No dice, kid.

   My girlfriend said I was her 32nd lover. I was fine with this until I realized she was talking about time...

   Unless your girlfriend is Rihanna, she doesn't love the way you lie.

   kleptomania! But when it get's bad I take something for it.

   So my Twitter machine started making this odd noise and vibrating and the words "Incoming Call" were on my screen. What the hell is THAT?!?!

   In honor of having to work today, I'm not going to do a goddamned thing.

   Thanks to the economy my wallet is emptier than a potato chip bag at a Weight Watchers meeting!

   when people make noise by their high heels, I want to smack them, with that shoes, on their head.

   Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

   Eagles wide reciever Riley Cooper has been excused from all team activities so that he can go attend a cooking class with Paula Deen

   Women, can't live with them, can't live without them. Might as well suffer and live with them.

   Whenever God closes a door, the Devil pushes me out a window.

   Cool...I just won an award for laziness,.. I sent a buddy to pick it up for me...

   Bite marks and bruises, or it didn't happen...

   ** Breaking News, stores in Colorado and Washington are having a hard time keeping up with the demand for Funyuns. Store owners say the demand has grown a million times since yesterday. **

   Last night I found an actual cricket in my bed. Oh the irony!

   Further proof the Mayans were right. Hostess goes bust while Little Debbie flourishes.