Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   »»──────► To the knee!

   Dear Santa, when I said I wanted something blingy around my neck.... STREP THROAT is NOT what I had in mind :/

   I love my six pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat.

   I eat my peas with honey.. I dun it all my life.. It makes the peas taste funny.. But it keeps them on my knife.

   What's the minimum age a person has to be in order to get arrested for vandalism?............... Please tell me the answer is two,,,,,

   I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the brats next door left in my yard.

   The look on the cashiers face when a fat girl purchases leggings.

   Just doing my daily check here to see what to post.

   Just found out the results of my mammogram - I tested positive for having boobs

   Everybody wants to be in a relationship... But no one wants to give up their single ways so they end up cheating.

   Can you imagine watching Jersey Shore in Smell-O-Vision?

   Three fastest ways of communication: Tele-Phone, Tele-Vision & Tell-a-Woman.

   "The cancer was initially treatable but the x-ray tech who saw it didn't bother to report it to the proper authorities.

   I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, 4 cd's, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.

   Dear Public Restrooms, Please loosen the spindle for your TP. NOONE likes wiping their a$$ with a handful of confetti! Sincerely, Gotta Poop!

   If the g-string is any indicator, the g-spot is somewhere near the anus.

   i can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record, I can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record...

   "This dog,is dog,a dog,good dog,way dog,to dog,keep dog,an dog,idiot dog,busy dog,for dog,20 dog,seconds dog," Now read without the word (dog)

   When someone hands me a Bible, I flip it open and autograph it. Then I hand it back (as they look very confused), I smile and say.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!"

   I think Kanye turned the power off because Beyonce gave the best Super Bowl performance of all time.