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Countries should have to declare thumb war before declaring actual war 
If I ever meet David Blaine, I will just kick him in the nuts and then scream "Ta-daaah!"
If I were Vera Wang and I had a boy, I would name him Very Large Wang.
“Can someone send me airtime?”, “Can someone buy me this nice pair of shoes I saw at the mall?”, “Can someone buy me a ticket to the Trey Songz concert?”, “Can someone bring me lunch to my workplace?” - a s1ut's facebook st@tus upd@tes.
Jewish women aren't cheap with the bl0wjobs
Just had a monster workout. (Bench pressed with Frankenstein then ran a 5K with an goblin.)
Got my passport application forms back today..... Apparently in the Place of Birth section:"between my mother's legs" isn't an acceptable answer.
Hey Mom! I have good news!" "You got a 100% on your math test?!" "I said I have good news, not a miracle"
Life is s( o )( o ) much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
A baggage carousel is the least fun carousel ever.
My famly takes monopoly very serious. Everyone brings their own calculator cuz we dont trust any Bankers since the bailout!
All grocery store bathrooms are required by law to look like the set of one of the "Saw" movies.
Has anyone gotten a "your mom" tattoo instead of one that says "mom"?... I can't be the first to think of this can I ?
If you haven't celebrated Cinco de Mayo with a sink full of Mayo while each person bobbs for Mexican midgets than you are doing it wrong.
Hey guys, if you wanna know if your new girl is keepin' up with her "womanscaping"... take a look at her feet. If they look like an eagle's talons, run... run hard and run fast. You're Welcome. :)
Why can't I be like the other guys that I know, and just be happy with an ugiy f@t girl?
I eat every meal like I'm going to be deported to Ethopia the next day or something.
News break the waking dead is on, so I will update everyone every commercial break-Get a life
I wonder if the new popemobile will be a low rider??
Well, Red Bull, I still don't have wings but I do have the inability to talk coherently and I'm vibrating so hard, I think I just came. 