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How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower? Give the woman a shovel 
I asked her out and she said yes, but sadly I ended up going on a date with her expectations.
Do I look fat in this? Could you just shut up while I'm having sex with you.
I don't want a girlfriend because the only thing worse than being lonely is sharing food.
"Oh, you're gonna eat the peach cobbler first??,, huh fatty??,,,,, You sicken me." - Mean Cuisine
My wife said no sex tonight. End of discussion. Period.
Wearing crocs to protect your virginity.
Why does paper beat rock? if you hold a paper in front of your face and I throw a rock at it who wins?
Cleaning out my closet while listening to "Cleanin' out my closet" Priceless.
I have many talents… For example: Sleeping…and Eating…and damn Drinking!
Why is everyone so down on Manti Te'o? When you get right down to it...all relationships are imaginary.
it just me or does everyone look into a mirror and then look for the "Like" button.
always place women on high pedestals, it helps you look up their skirts better.
A-Rod, Kobe and Tiger ... perhaps the three most arrogant athletes of our time ... all had pretty bad Fridays.
Watching that episode where Scooby Doo takes a dump on the kitchen floor and Shaggy beats him mercilessly with an old newspaper...
I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know... look around, listen to the radio.
Umm why the f^ck would I take care of myself? I’ll never be able to retire. Dying young is my only option.
There's more to Alcohol than life!!!
I love you so much I'll eat this pizza to prove it.
My Ex-Wife once asked me to name a star after her...Fugly-McWh0re-B!t ch is the brightest star in the sky!!! 