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They should make haunted houses with genuine fears. For example: Eviction notices at every corner, very important final exams that you didn't study for, pictures of your parents naked, etc. 
Seeking other people's approval is disapproving yourself.
This cold, bleak, dreary, wet, grey weather has given me Seasonal Adjective Disorder.
patiently waiting for the day when I need to set the alarm on my clock to wake up in the morning.
My "safe place" is filled with unstable chemicals and psychedelic teddy bears with knives for claws, so I guess it's kind of a misnomer.
Ostriches can’t fly, but mostly because they can’t figure out airline luggage rules.
When in the hell did All you can eat buffets become everything I can't eat buffets.
Confuciushe says: Man who fight with wife all day, gets no piece at night.
Fun fact. Swedish meatballs are actually a recipe king Charles XII brough back from a trip to Turkey. So they really Turkish meatballs.
Knock! Knock! Who’s there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who? Never mind, it’s pointless.
Can of Crisco $3.95 Body pillow $12.95 Box of condoms $9.95 Look on cashier's face...... Priceless.
I have come to the conclusion, that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all of my missing socks.
I want a girl who can drink as many beers as me & who orders a burger & fries for dinner, not salad. Also men: She can't be fat, tho.
What do you call a man who has everything? A bachelor.
Part Of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "don't listen to that guy... He's drunk."
BOSS: I don't consider myself wastefull *** BOSS 5 minutes later: prints a 137 page report because he needs the last two pages
Chicken Pot Pie: my 3 favorite things.
If you try to heat a tortilla on the stove and let pieces get stuck on the coils your parents failed you
: [zoo] cop: what happened here? boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment. Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job. Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job. 