Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Ostriches can’t fly, but mostly because they can’t figure out airline luggage rules.

   When in the hell did All you can eat buffets become everything I can't eat buffets.

   Confuciushe says: Man who fight with wife all day, gets no piece at night.

   Fun fact. Swedish meatballs are actually a recipe king Charles XII brough back from a trip to Turkey. So they really Turkish meatballs.

   Knock! Knock! Who’s there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who? Never mind, it’s pointless.

   Can of Crisco $3.95 Body pillow $12.95 Box of condoms $9.95 Look on cashier's face...... Priceless.

   I have come to the conclusion, that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all of my missing socks.

   I want a girl who can drink as many beers as me & who orders a burger & fries for dinner, not salad. Also men: She can't be fat, tho.

   What do you call a man who has everything? A bachelor.

   Part Of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "don't listen to that guy... He's drunk."

   BOSS: I don't consider myself wastefull *** BOSS 5 minutes later: prints a 137 page report because he needs the last two pages

   Chicken Pot Pie: my 3 favorite things.

   If you try to heat a tortilla on the stove and let pieces get stuck on the coils your parents failed you

   : [zoo] cop: what happened here? boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

   Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment. Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job. Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

   waiter: any allergies I should know about? me: uh, peanuts? waiter: [disappointed] aw I already know that one.

   "doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!" it's ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee

   PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

   Why do couples alway say that they're expecting a baby? Like could they be expecting something else perhaps like a penguin or a giraffe or something?

   Everybody’s saying Merry Christmas to their friends and family, so here’s a Merry Christmas to all the strangers and enemies no one ever says Merry Christmas to!