Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If a woman answers the door wearing only a see through nightie, is she negligent?

   If antihistamines are used to make meth, then it stands to reason that meth will help my chest cold.

   'LOL, this movie isn't even scary!' *BASED ON A TRUE STORY* 'Oh sh*t...'

   You looked good until I realized one of your eyes don't blink and now I can't stop starring at it!

   It's hard to look at Clint Eastwood and not think we're descendants of really cool apes.

   I told this homeless dude I would send him some supplies for Christmas but I need his address first

   I realized Santa wasn't real; when my toys had "Made in China" on them.

   Uggs: Helping men to identify lazy women sonce 2004.

   My hobbies are gardening, origami and meditation. In other words: growing weed, rolling a fat one, and passing out in a stupor.

   Love starts with "You are different" & ends with "you are all the same"

   Just unfriended 3 people for chatting under my status.

   Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

   When I'm the designated driver, I want to look cool ordering my drink. So I ask for a Jack and Dr. Pepper hold the Jack.

   Hey Karma, I got a list of people you missed."

   Ever since that tiger mauled Siegfried's boyfriend, I think the line has been blurred between a fruit and a vegetable. Just sayin'.

   I would like to thanks Jesus for a Monday I did not have to experience this week.

   Just been added on facebook by a tin of "pork luncheon meat". Reported it as spam

   If FOOD was a WOMAN i'd Marry her...

   I don't exactly hate her but if she is in fire and I have water I will drink it

   You know you're in love when you're standing in line at Forever 21 making a return on a dress and panties that your girlfriend was too embarrassed to do herself!