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Hey Electoral college,,,, Sorry,, I wasn't paying attention,,,what do I do if my election lasts for more than 4 hours? 
Time to set the clocks ahead 23 hours.
With all these scandals w/ big bird & now elmo I'm kinda glad they nvr told me how 2 get 2 sesame st.
Siri is the only form of intelligent communication I've talked to on my phone since October 4, 2011.
Never ask a cheater if they cheat. They'll cheat on that question too!
Bed good outside bad!
Totally cool to keep killing your people Bashar. Just don't use chemical weapons. Otherwise, we're all good.
20 minutes later, and I can't remember who I "sanded my wood" to. I have to find better imaginary girlfriends.
If I wanted to see American Horror Story I would just stalk the Kardashians
You wouldn't think I've ever had a stroke unless you saw me trying to get my wallet out my back pocket while driving.
Happy Mardi Gras Everyone, Party yourself in oblivion.
Chris Dorner must have been pretty serious about Ash Wednesday when he set fire to that house.
goto yahoo, then click "Best and worst dressed at Oscars", first pic Halle Berry, second pic Pinocchio....
Oscars - some award show for boring movies I will probably never watch even if they paid me.
When I die, I'm going to have a music player built into my headstone. Just so people can dance on my grave.
Don't forget comic relief this year. Just R50 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and a girlfriend.
I'm so selfish for complaining about being sick with the flu for 5 days now. Just saw Justin Bieber collapsed. Horrifying...
This girl told me that she likes men who know long words. So, I told her how ammaazzzziiiinnnggg she was.
nobody, and I mean nobody has less street cred than a brother named Cody...
What do you get when you alternate eating cheese and granola? Natures very own 'thunder beads'! BOOM! ツ 