Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   "Who's that?" "What are they doing?" "What's happening?" ; "Shut the hell up and watch the movie ffs".

   I like to go on OK Cupid and find the worst possible matches for myself and message them being like "We can make this work."

   You can't rush greatness.

   I will have my arms get ripped off before making another trip to the car after coming home from the grocery store.

   there is love and friendship then there is declaring love and friendship on Facebook, two totally different worlds that seldom are one.

   naming your daughter Penny is setting the bar a little low, isn't it?

   Can't believe Toys R Us closed down in the city. Now where am I to get my Nerf bullet refills? I have an inflatable family to protect dammit !!

   I hate when women look at me as a sex object.. Girl, objects don't move the way I do... ;)

   If your bio says “Single and looking for fun” you better be ugly or we'll know you're sp@m. Pretty women don't look for fun… fun finds them.

   Eagles deflated tom brady

   If Pictionary is where you draw pictures then what’s Dictionary.

   CNN Breaking News: Falcons Playbook was Hacked by Russia!!!!

   A German Shepherd named Rumor won the Westminster Dog Show. He will now be breed...aka spreading Rumors.

   You all have heard of Murphy's Law right?.....It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong....But have you heard of Cole's Law?...It's shredded cabbage.

   just microwaved some soup......ever get the feeling you're being watched?

   Final Brexit tally is in: 48% Sense and Sensibility, 52% Pride and Prejudice.

   Mommy Mommy , I don't want to go see grandma .. Shut up and keep digging !

   When our baby craps her diaper, my wife says, "she made daddy a present" so now our 4 year old brings me his turds...

   Judge: And how does the defendant plead?...... Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.

   Please, Hillary. Please drop the fock ded.