Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
The grass IS greener on the other side, but the gardener does not always show up. 
Today was a good day. The mailman delivered my Billy Ocean cassette. Now I have finally fulfilled my Columbia House commitment.
It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Which proves that happy people are really f***ing lazy.
How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven. Why? COS IT JUST DOES OKAY......!!!!!!!!
Did anyone else get prompted for payment for facebook?
wonders if using the FB poke app is like cyber foreplay??? Cause if it is I got a freaking orgy about to start here!!!
renting a midget for Halloween.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
My fav iPhone 6 app,,,, Is actually still just "the telephone" one
Before you give me your survey results, just know that numbers don’t impress me much anymore when it comes to human beings. I now value quality over quantity when it comes to crowds considering the number of idiots who have infiltrated the human race.
"Never give up," I whisper to myself as I text her for the 68th time." Restraining order is on the way.
I bet Kim Kardashian dyed her hair blonde to support Jodi Arias
When is a good time to mention that St. Patrick was British and taken as a slave to Ireland for 6 years before escaping? Not today then?
"Thanks FIFA for making me look like a boy scout!" - Tom Brady
When reality comes knocking, I make tequila answers the door.
Who's in bed with their phones ?
COP: Sir do you know how fast you were scrolling?
Sometimes I can hear the toaster in the other room asking to have a bath with me
*arrives at hospital carrying a tiny chair... " Ummmm, Yes,,,, Where would you like my stool sample?"
RIP Alan Rickman! By Grabthar's Hammer, you shall be avenged! 