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I wish my gps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option. 
It's so hot here, gangsters are doing drive bys with squirt guns.
Every time an angel has a menstrual cycle a maxipad gets its wings
"I just want to sit on your Face" ~ is that being to forward?
On a scale of 1 to Osama Bin Ladin, how good was my hiding spot??
Eminem made a better Superman than Nolan.
Welcome to Vegas,,,,,, Where what you don't know about your bedspread won't hurt you..
Today 9/6 marks the end of my 7 years of bad luck for breaking a mirror. just like this one here......oops, Oh crap, not again.
I remember waking up after my first wet dream....I thought a ghost had came in and gave me a handjob.
I didn't lose my faith, I found reality.
Someone needs to remind men in their 40s that tucking the T-shirt into their jeans does not make them look any younger.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Happy Mothers Day!..Thank You Dad for not Pulling Out!
Remember to wish your dad a happy Father's Day, as well as thanking him for not wiping you up in a tissue.
late at night, when everyone is sleeping, I fill up the bath tub with marinara sauce and pretend that I am a meatball.
I had to take a lie detector test at a job interview once. No I didn't.
Never underestimate a Cat 1 Hurricane: I've never seen a situation involving one cat, water & a blow dryer end well..
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don't think soooo.
If you "have to meet with the NRA to discuss whether people on the terrorist watch list should be able to buy guns", then that's a case of the tail wagging the dog and you are showing you are owned by the gun lobby.
I imagine a two year old having a temper tantrum as being the next statue erected honoring all those brave men and women who refuse to wear a mask. 