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People with kids that don't have a fireplace have an issue in the morning.. 
I wish I had half the optimism of couples that get each other’s name tattooed on their bodies.
Hot singles in your area want to go through your trash. Never mind these are raccoons
The best part about being fat and old is that I'll never have to look back and see pictures of me in skinny jeans
5:spiders 4:snakes 3:serial killers 2:child molesters 1:couples that sit on the same side of the booth
I've had so much sex today that this entire post is a lie.
[knights of the wobbly table].... "Can we get some more napkins over here?"
*Leonardo Da Vinci shows the finished portrait to her.... Mona Lisa: Eww,, DELETE IT!
Relationship Goals: Wanna come over and nap?
Please Take Note: A Hogwarts degree isn't worth much in 2016.
I've got two tickets to Crazy Town. Who wants one?
Nothing like the days when you'd tell your parents you were at a sleepover, instead you'd feel like dying in a field from drinking too much vodka.
The doctor said, I need to drink more whiskey....also I am now calling myself "The Doctor" now!
Sorry I fed your baby trash, I thought it was a raccoon
It's wierd, when my pet elephant comes into the room.. nobody talks about it.
If there's a Joe Smoe from Idaho. He must be pi$$ed off !
Springing forward sounds way more fun than it is.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila. Perhaps it's time to try both....
Diet Dedication: When the chicken on your Subway salad kinda tastes like fish, but you eat it anyways because worse comes to worst, you'll just lose a few more pounds.
Oh I so enjoy reading on weekend nights on things that I could have been doing. 