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you know your not much of a Christmas shopper anymore, when your still using some of the same wrapping paper you had 3 years ago . 🎁 🎁🎁 🎁 
If anyone needs help eating those cookies. Let me know.
I wanna be the reason you shake your head, even if it is in disgust.
Oreos dont ask silly questions....oreos just understand.
I just heard that my ex-wife has started dating again,,, and here I am with no popcorn.
Divorce because consideration has an expiration date.
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
It's universal, to point out old skool soda cans and chip bags during classic movies.
To drink or not to drink!? What a stupid question!
anyone going to tell America's funniest videos about YouTube?
I may not regularly keep in touch with my friends and loved ones, but I always keep an eye on my enemies.
Hey, women that wear any lipstick darker than red: No.
Turn the wrong way and the b*tch on the GPS won't shut up. .. *my marriage advice to my boys
A mass wedding is also called a mass suicide
So,,, One time, I walked around with a smart car stuck in my teeth for like 4 hours before someone finally said something to me
In an effort to show our support to the French, we English have held a shoulder-to-shoulder rally at Trafalgar Square. It's nice to see good old-fashioned English humour isn't dead.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed private plane pilot. Please give me a call, my rates are as low as I can go by state laws. . .
I always give girls a lollipop on the first date as an ice breaker and so I know what I can expect
The tooth fairy but for broken hearts and she leaves a cat under your pillow.
When life throws you a curveball, try to duck so it hits someone else. 