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OK I made a wish at 11:11 , now its 11:12 still no midget house cleaners and Justin Beiber still has a career...what a crock 
age is just a number, yeah right!! and "too young" is just a name in china
You wanna know how my day is going ?? My M&M's Melted in my Hand and Not in My Mouth !
I just peed double streams. Is this my superpower?
This man just said he date homeless women because you can drop them off anywhere
I wish the string on my weedeater had a Hollywood clip.
“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”
you know you're lazy when you use your toilet as your mop bucket
"Wish you were here" - me, thinking about the wine that is in the fridge
Due to the economy I decided to grow my own food...I guess cotton wasn't the best choice, makes you soooo thirsty
I can't get a mobile signal in my village, yet terrorists have no problem sending videos from caves. Is there a special terrorist tariff?
Ugly girls who send their fine ass friends to holla at a guy for them should be arrested for grand misrepresentation.
x² + why +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9 TRUST ME, You need this in life.
I'd love to ram a big black dild0 up John Terry's ass.
Mistakes- We all make them but we don't always apologize for them. Sometimes it's pride, sometimes it's stupidity and sometimes we don't think we did anything wrong, but if we're not careful we might end up being sorry one way or another.
going to take over the world by building a large army of highly trained, blood thirsty pomeranians.
I guess I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong...
my phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass? I guess this think really is a smartphone
- If Washington raises the debt limit, they should buy every American a Bud Light and charge it to China.
ok brain. You woke me up at 4:13am. Must be important. Whats that? You want me to think about the Tylenol scare of '82? Done! 