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If only I could figure out a way to fall asleep at work without anybody noticing. That would definitely be one of my top achievements in life! 
There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants.
Swords would be a lot less cool if we pronounced the "w."
I think the Eagles would sign Casey Anthony to a contract if they could......
Dear God , whats your policy on heart replacements
You know perfect people are annoying because it is difficult to take advantage of them
Photo bombing is all fun and games until terrorists start doing it.
Bit*ches be digging up bones in someone elses yard. Dawgs be burying their bones in someone elses yard. It's an endless cycle.
Roger Goodell said he didn’t see the video from the elevator, just the one of Ray Rice dragging his unconscious fiancée. Did he think she just knocked herself out???
*Shows up late for first day of new job... *Blames it on rush hour...*Shows up late for second day of new job... *Blames it on Rush Hour 2
You know the world is coming to an end when George Clooney gets married
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
I'm just going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
Sometimes I laugh so hard, tears run down my leg.
HD porn, because I like to read the serial number on your breast implants.
People who eat fries with a knife and a fork Do you put gloves on before sex too
My neighbours sex sounded so good I made them a Sandwich..
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, bite like a mosquito, carry 100 times your body weight like an ant.
I'm 0-11 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases. 