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about to pour my friend a shot of chilled boiled hotdog water... shhhhhh 
When times get tough, just live a little more and laugh twice as much.
Valentines. Rymes with Pointless.
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail...
When I grow up and become the president of Akunamatata I'm gonna go to war with the whole world.
Tonight's full Moon will be the biggest in appearance in the past 18 years as the moon will be unusually close to the Earth. The only thing bigger than the moon is Uranus
True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen.
Has anyone invented a time machine? If so, "when" did I get one?
Hmmm.. That's weird... I was the 100,000 visitor yesterday too... Winning streak!
So much for President Obama's peace prize. Do you think they'll make him give the million back?
I Guess We All Kno what seat Rebecca Black finally Chose The Backseat Fun Fun Fun Fun
I thought about being atheist...then I realized they dont have any holidays
Yeah I knew it was time to stop foreplay with this chic as soon as I heard her scream "YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOUR IN THE JUNGLE BABY" as she was pulling down her pants.....
Prisoners complain behind bars, husbands complain in them.
Hey listen..If the rapture really does happen on Saturday, I totally call the popemobile.
Thinking about posting a pic of myself in my underwear in support of my congressman Anthony Weiner........
Dear drivers, unless you have the eyes of a chameleon. Please don't text and drive.
Has come to the conclusion that FB is just like spending time with a woman. As soon as you finally figure her out, she changes.
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
Next time a mosquito bites me, I am not going to itch it and give him very low self esteem. 