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why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare 
Sean Spicer must wear flame-retardant pants to every press conference to keep his pants from igniting.
It is okay to have a crooked POTUS, or a rapey POTUS, but we shouldn't be okay with this crooked rapey POTUS.
I asked Lebron James for change of a dollar... He gave me only three quarters. I told him he owed me another 25 cents. He told me he doesn't have a fourth quarter.
The US Treasury is already talking about putting Hillary's face on the American $20 bill. Question: Wouldn't it be much more fitting that her likeness be put on the $3 Bill?
Hurt them with the TRUTH, don't please them with a LIE.
Now a days I noticed that kids are eating their boogers. Not once have I ever looked at my own slimy snot when I was kid and thought it looked scrumptious.
always right and never wrong. The only time I thought I was wrong was when I thought I was wrong but I wasn't - I was right!!
Did you know slugs have four noses? I'm totally going to dutch-oven one tonight.
You are living proof God for sure had lazy days.
LADIES You're in a queue in primark , shoes in hand. If your friend sees a top she likes and throws it to you from the back of the queue , if there's nobody in front of you in the queue at the moment the top leaves your friends hands..... YOU ARE OFFSIDE!
She would rather have a best friend for a lifetime, then a boyfriend for a week...
about to pour my friend a shot of chilled boiled hotdog water... shhhhhh
When times get tough, just live a little more and laugh twice as much.
Valentines. Rymes with Pointless.
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail...
When I grow up and become the president of Akunamatata I'm gonna go to war with the whole world.
Tonight's full Moon will be the biggest in appearance in the past 18 years as the moon will be unusually close to the Earth. The only thing bigger than the moon is Uranus
True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen.
Has anyone invented a time machine? If so, "when" did I get one? 