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We are only a few UFC matches away from two men getting each other pregnant. 
Accidentally used my credit card instead of my hotel pass key and now I apparently own this whole building.
Yogi saw a fork in the road and took it! ~ RIP Yogi
Monday's don't suck... Your life does
The proper response to "Good Morning" is "Yeah? Prove it!"
pizza is the only love triangle I want
Happy belated birthday Jesus.
Vegetarian: An old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter." Vegan: An old Indian word meaning "really lousy hunter."
Super Bowl 48. Two teams from the only two states to have legalized pot. I can't guarantee who'll win, but I can guarantee that Frito-Lay is gonna make more $ than the NFL on this one.
"This was the best football game I've ever seen!" -Guy who's never seen a football game.
Hey you ok? I haven't seen you post a selife in like 5 minutes.
I will accept drink a case of beer challenge. . .
I don't think it's about religion anymore. Some people are just sadists, hiding behind the masks of religion.
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?... *dad panics*... Uhh...you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much...
Peyton Manning: "OMAHA! OMAHA!....Aaron Hernandez: "ATTICA! ATTICA!
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you wagging its tail, you're in love with a dog & it probably just had to sh*t.
Sorry for chest bumping Chuck E Cheese so hard he fell down and broke his arm, but in my defense the Kidz Bop version of Enter Sandman came on.
Sex so good you forget to take a selfie.
Dear Walmart: If your employees "appear" to be incredibly overweight, they ought to know that fitting in to a size 2 gives the wrong impression of your organization. I do not enjoy viewing what looks like to be a belly button when I approach an employee.
If there was a tornado coming the first thing I'd do is update my status, If I'm not on here for awhile I'm not alive.... :P 