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Just wrote my wedding vows, it says, "I'll love & respect you, for fear of the death penalty for murder." Incase anyone wants to propose... 
Ladies; Do you get more jealous when your boyfriend talks to someone prettier than you or someone smarter/clever than you?
Don't tell me about the ghetto, Mr. I still have All 4 Hubcaps.
I'm sick of all this Wiccan stuff. As far as I'm concerned, they're still food stamps.
I shed a tear every time my cell phone rings at work and its not Morpheus
men are judged according to this "What they do Who they are and How much they make"
Silly me....being the city slicker that I am...I thought the KY Derby was a lubrication contest.
What makes you think I put my pants on one leg at a time?
Me take a bullet for you? I don't think so. What if you planned for someone to shoot you so I could jump in front of you, get shot and you would get rid of me?
I'm not crazy. I'm just emotionally interesting.
I get a call telling me that "my husband and I" won a 4 day, 3 night cruise to the Bahamas. When did I get married tho?
It's discouraging when you write out your life plans on a post-it and still have enough room to take a message.
Whoever invent Hallway Swimming....go Twerk a HarlemShake sit down and Plank your Owls self somewhere! -
Life is a terminal illness. Nobody gets out of here alive.
Penguins probably never get invited to Pig Roasts or other cool parties because they're always dressed so formal.
I had a Doc telll me I had a fatty liver. How rude! Now I always ask my Wife: "Honey, do these jeans make my liver look fat?"
"I never say never." Liars...
Tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday or your kid will end up having the gardener’s nose.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases 