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seriously thinking about opening a midget strip club with a midget stripper pole and all 
If I stalked you any harder you'd be a missing person by now.
[breaks apart couple holding hands] You're free now
"Ugh.... life is rough" ... I type on my $600 phone that was made by an 8 year old in a sweat shop.
Me crazy? If it wasn't so hard to get back up on this unicorn, I'd so b*tch-slap you
If you hold your ear up to a Reebok Crossfit you can hear the sound of a 26.2 sticker being peeled off and put on a minivan.
I've been married for "the only way to get my wife to scream in bed is to fart in my sleep" years.
If it wasn't for my excitement to hate someone new I wouldn't leave my bed in the morning.
According to Monster.com there is a ton of openings in the Baltimore department tourism.
It's gonna ba Manny Vs Money tonight....
*Playing Go-Fish" with a Vegan* ME: Do you have any Sixes? V: I'm a Vegan.
The more someone says, “you know,” the more I begin to feel better about myself.
I've been married for "discuss grocery list during sex" years.
Whenever I want to lift my spirits, I use a shot of whiskey.
I tell you,The high cost of living ain't nothing like the cost of living high !
Wait... what? Han is now gay and that is why Leai goes on the suicide mission where she dies?
Girls who cut your shorts so that your pockets show. Why not just cut off the pockets? What are you hiding? Snacks? Tell me it's snacks.
FACT: I prefer Dairy Queen Blizzards than hearing you constantly complain about how Monday's suck.
Drinking decaffeinated coffee is like going to a brothel for a hug.
Chicken is better than that girl who said she will die for you. Chicken actually died for you. Chicken is true love. 