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This time can Ben Affleck stay behind instead so we can find a suitable Batman? 
Either legalize weed or illegalize feelings
"Duck Tales" is the original duck dynasty.
I'm deaming of a white Christmas......but if the white runs out, I'll drink the Red.
I bet Tom Hanks sends a letter to The Academy Awards this year that he signs "Sincerely, T. Hanks for nothing"
°ₒ°ₒ* #SochiProblems
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
Where is Nixon? I'm longing for some honesty!
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
So all I really wanna know is can I trust you with my heart and my butthole?
You can lead a horse to water but you can't lead a horticulture!
My friend is staying in a hotel on Christmas Eve, which sounds really depressing, but I bet Mary and Joseph would have killed for that.
This time of year there is always that one house that has like 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting at the North Pole with no survivors.
My smart watch is capable of displaying porn but no one thought to include image stabilization.
Most wolf attacks are triggered because they saw someone with a selfie stick.
Do you think our dogs ever get upset that we never lick them back?
It's raining so much in Texas that the animals are walking around in pairs
Water in Mars? Big deal... Call me when they find whiskey or beer.
It's like I tell my kids, "don't cry over spilled milk, cry over daddy's inability to keep up with our mortgage payments."
Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy sh*t we don't need 