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I was violently beating this guy with a club when I realized, "I can find a better weapon than this stupid poker card" 
I just misspelled a word so badly,, that autocorrect shut my phone off and gave me explosive diarrhea.
Apparently, the answer to WWJD is ……hire Peyton Manning.
My girlfriend is leaving me because I'm obsessed with nike.. I looked her dead in the eyes and said "just do it"
If you watch Titanic backwards it's about a magical ship that saves people
richardmooney26 is George Zimmerman hiding... nowhere to go.. sh*t to do...
some girls beg, and some girls borrow. some bring joy some bring sorrow. but the best girls suck and swallow
9 out of 10 men prefer women, and that other guy, well he prefers one of those 9 men.
This time can Ben Affleck stay behind instead so we can find a suitable Batman?
Either legalize weed or illegalize feelings
"Duck Tales" is the original duck dynasty.
I'm deaming of a white Christmas......but if the white runs out, I'll drink the Red.
I bet Tom Hanks sends a letter to The Academy Awards this year that he signs "Sincerely, T. Hanks for nothing"
°ₒ°ₒ* #SochiProblems
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
Where is Nixon? I'm longing for some honesty!
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
So all I really wanna know is can I trust you with my heart and my butthole?
You can lead a horse to water but you can't lead a horticulture!
My friend is staying in a hotel on Christmas Eve, which sounds really depressing, but I bet Mary and Joseph would have killed for that. 