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Roundabouts and retarded people are like round holes and square pegs, you can force them together, but it isn't going to be pretty. 
Sometimes you just have to take a moment to stop and smell the cocaine.
"Dont worry the spider is smaller than you" "So is a grenade"
Please note that I have obtained Mad Swagger.
Most dangerous question a wife ever asked her husband: "Honey, notice anything different about me?"
I'm going to open a gym on January 1, 2012 and call it "Irony Fitness." It 's only going to be open for two months.
Makin Love Faces...(⊙_⊙) (⊙_-) (>__=) (=_-) (^_^) (O_^) [⊙_+] (x_X) (-_-) (°_⊙)(-_0) (^_⊙) (+_=)
I asked my Heart : Why can't I Sleep at Night? My Heart told me : Because you have already Slept in the Afternoon. Don't act like you are in Love !
To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card and combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?
A handsome firefighter just friended me on Facebook. I wish I was gay :(
Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship?
I heard Colin kaepernick had a choice between cotton and polyester jerseys and wouldn't you know it 'he picked cotton'
My wife has basically two problems: Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
Pence should consider himself lucky....worse has happened with presidents at theaters
Who cares about Elmer Fudd's rifle. I'm way more concerned about them taking Marvin the Martian's Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.🗼
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?
Breaking news: Justify declines invitation to the White House.
At least good old Bill didn't have to pay for blowjobs and sex.
I always carry a bottle of acid in my pocket so if anyone tries to.attack me I can throw it in their face. Then all I need to do is outrun them for an hour until they start tripping.
just saw the headline "Garfield cartoonist apologizes" and my first thought was "About time. That comic strip has been lame for decades" 