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That age when you drop a coin on the floor and anything smaller than a quarter isn't worth the effort to lean over and pick up. 
Forgiveness is the best gift you can give, unless pizza is involved, then pizza is the best gift.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
I'm just here because real life won't have me.
Someone tried to steal my identity. However, after reviewing my bank accounts and credit information, they felt sorry for me and offered me theirs.
adding "Clinical studies have shown" to your sentences makes you sound more intelligent.
Fun ways to hurt yourself: 1. Throwing yourself down stairs, 2. Punching yourself in the face, 3. Talking to your ex.
True Story: Justin Bieber got his 1st tattoo at the age of sixteen. It was a Butterfly on his lower back just above the bikini line.
omawho ??
The next time I hear cheerleaders scream out 'give me a D!'
I can't believe I haven't ruined somebody's day yet.
Don't forget to alienate people People love aliens
Don't even bother asking the car dealer how many dead bodies can fit in the trunk. He won't take you serious. Just crawl in & check it out.
todays weather 4-6 bottles of beer changing over to a large pizza iwith lots of cheese and pepperoni
In dog beers, I've only had 1
I don't even know why I bother. Every time I get my car washed, the next day I drive into the back of a manure truck while texting.
Dog strollers are a thing if you were wondering where the trajectory of humanity is taking us.
The best way to solve your relationship problems is to post about them on the internet and let your friends solve them for you.
If there's ever a crazed maniac chasing you with an ax, just picture him in his underwear and you won't be scared anymore.
Sorry I stopped, dropped and rolled when you told me you loved me. 