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Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now....THEY KNOW MAPS!!!! 
Look, all I'm saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I'm telling people she's my girlfriend.
I always wonder if somebody's feet will be dirty after running thru my filthy mind all day
My wife wanted a puppy .I didn't want a puppy . So we compromised and got a puppy...
Heaven: mozzarella cheese Hell: cottage cheese
Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you needed.
Will children of the future be nostalgic about grandpa's Axe Body Spray, fauxhawk and body waxing strips?
I THINK 50 shades of grey is our weather forecast!!!!
If there's a pedicure, why are there still pedophiles?
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is he says I'm healthy as a horse. The bad news is that he keeps using large farm animals to describe me.
Picking a president to vote for this term is like picking the STD that I would be the most okay with having.
Mariah Sharapova living proof that Russians love to cheat.
I'm always a lady, but when I am mad, I'm an evil sadistic demon witch from hell that'll make you wish you were never born....and when I am happy, I bake cookies and cupcakes.
Don't forget to judge others on the circumstances they can't control today.
I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.
Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.
You came into my life for a reason and that reason is...can you grab me another beer while you're up?
Just a matter of time till they have an iPhone that recognizes us by our blood alcohol level.
Women need to be touched by their partners twenty times a day; men need ten times! they get the extra ten from their imaginary lovers. 