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don't hug a football fan, give him a pat on the buttocks 
Whoever said "Mom knows best" has obviously never heard of Eve.
You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them.
So Beavis and Butt-Head are back. I didn't even know they went away since I've been working with them for years.
Nothing like finding your credit card in your 3 year olds play wallet, like mother, like daughter... Just shoot me now!!.
Been at this farmer's market for an hour,,, Still can't find the guy that sells the smug sense of superiority everyone here has.
When I die, I want my ashes scattered in front of the TV.
How is Voldemort supposed to be scary when he has an obsession with a teenage boy?
Just sold my hair to a wig shop
Boy: So, you like bad boys? Girl: Oh Yeah! Boy: Well, I'm not to impress you or anything but at Walmart I enter through the exit door.
Ice cream never asks silly questions. Ice cream understands.
"Will you love me forever?" She asked. "Of course." I replied, lying beside her...
I was going to start taking self defence lessons but I decided on algebra instead. I heard there's safety in numbers
USA Today should just change their name to USA Day Before Yesterday...
Buying your girlfriend tampons is not that hard! Just wait until you have to get your wife 'jumbo diaper afterbirth thingies.'
There's a song written for every mood I'm in. It's like Eminem "gets me."
I calculate how many girls ive been with the same way you convert °C to °F. Take the real figure, double it & add 30.
I love watching my husband sleep so peacefully. It gives me time to plot all the ways I can take him out should the time come someday.
You ever typed slower than your mind thinks? Yeah that just happened to me...... It was funny in my head, but when I read it I was like...clearly to much beer!
The Internet. All of the piracy, none of the scurvy. 