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Children make you fat because you have to eat all their leftover food. 
If I text you all like.. "heyy :)" and you reply with "hi", I'm done taking to you..
I was proud of myself. I made it to 5 minutes into the p0rn video before I finished.... then I remembered that I fast forwarded to 4 minutes in.
"Seize the Day" in Latin is "Carpe Diem" in dbag it's "YOLO"
If you can't tell thousands of strangers, who can you tell? - Facebook
Thanks to the color of their bras, sizes of their shoes and for some really random reason - how long they take to straighten their hair, I am now aware that breast cancer exists. Couldn't have done it without that crucial information!
Whenever I see someone crossing the street, I swear I can hear them say 'You don't have the balls to floor it.'
I am the kind of guy, who, if you hold your cigarette far enough out the window, I'll take a puff off of it.
My daddy issues are now old enough to vote.
Angry drunks have everyone's phone number.
ave you ever thought about this..."How does your stomach know to send the burps to the mouth and the farts to your bum?....
Gaining weight and growing a beard counts as multi-tasking right?
during the local christmas parade tonight, the local hospital had a float that read "more than a hospital"...yeah, they're also a morgue
I lowered my goals to just "avoid poverty or try dying..."
I’m depressed and a bit humbled. I just found out Gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a Japanese horror movie monster.
Sorry,, But that last like I gave you, contained traces of horsemeat.
Get out of my dreams and into my car. Get out of my car and into my bed. Get out of my bed, and out of my house. I gotta be up early.
I am terribly sorry about the inspirational p osts. My dealer gave me inspirational weed.
more arrogance than Rick 'The Model' Martel
I don't know who all these people in stock photos are, but I've never met anyone who was so happy to be in a meeting. 