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in TIME OUT because riding the dog like it's a Small Horse is frowned upon in this establishment... 
I love "me" so much, my Dr gave me a nice jacket that helps me hug myself!
I like to drink before I go to the movies, it loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me.
Who is this Harold Camping retard? Why do people pay him and his mental illness so much attention? Why isn't he locked up in a loony house with other loonies?
I was a bit upset when I first saw you with him, but as you got closer I laughed because he is so ugly.
Don't claim somebody that isn't claiming you! There are a lot of women in a relationship with a single man.
kids have to be confused by halloween...rest of the year ur not supposed to talk to strangers or accept anything from strangers...on halloween you say "trick or treat" to a stranger & accept their candy
We always want the best man to win an election, Unfortunately, he never runs.
It doesn't matter what race, color, creed, or gender you are; we're all Recycled.
Just learned that spraying Febreze into my mouth to chase a shot of vodka causes me to say "Heavens to Betsy!" a lot while I do a crazy jig.
I've finally figured out why they're called 'payslips'.... the 'pay' just 'slips' right through your fingers!!! :(
Drinking till I'm Someone else's Problem.
Throwing lamps at people that need to lighten up...
TEQUILA wants to know... Have you hugged your toilet today?
Let's play truth or dare. Or maybe just dare because no one knows how to tell the truth anymore.
That funny moment when someone replies to your tweet, saying you stole it off a website... Call the police then! *strange person alert*
Whenever people start getting too close to me I talk into my watch as I hold eye contact with them
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
Bought my wife bagels this morning so she dont have to cook breakfast...Happy Mother s day:)
The next time a girl complains about you leaving the toilet seat up, leave it down and pi$$ all over it... 