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Why did the Conjoined Twins move to England? So the other one could drive. 
He who does not understand your silence, is crazy and will probably not understand your words.
I got 99 problems and a bitch of a sister is one.
How to tell if someone is lying to you on social media??.... Their thumbs are moving
When I see a girl with a lot of make up on her face.....I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face!
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
Well son,,, They called it a bra because booby trap was already taken
People that are happy, keep that sh*t between you and your drug dealer, no one else cares
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a wife, and b) not having a wife.
12h To the women who complain that men only want sex from you... Have you ever considered offering them...something else?
Ghosts don't seem as scary when you remember that a lot of 'em have names like Jeff or Becky.
Welcome to another day of loneliness brought to you by years of pushing people away.
I see your confidence and wit and raise you the skirt I have on.
I learned all my fighting moves from mortalkombat basically it's just me jumping and somersaulting until the other person gets tired&leaves
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it though.
I'd rather take it doggy from Liberace on my grandmothers gravesite while Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth is playing than watch Twilight.
I hate waking up after a night of drinking to realize I spent a bunch of money on something stupid. Anyway, I'm off to the airport to pick up my Russian mail order bride.
does fantasizing about the cheerleaders count as "fantasy football"?
Free range chicken is better. The false illusion of freedom before slaughter makes them extra tender.
harry potter is such a fake movie, like really a ginger with two friends 