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Ever kill a Sasquatch in the forest and then realize it was just your neighbor Dave getting his mail in the lobby? Drugs are funny sometimes 
A man's humor is to a woman what a woman's cleavage is to a man
A cop pulled me over and asked why I was driving so fast. I said you look like the cop my wife left me for and I was afraid you were bringing her back!
They said a mask was enough to go into a grocery store. They lied, everyone else had clothes on...
Its all Obama's Fault for not seeking a Third Term like a True African Leaderr
Every problem has got a public holiday. World AIDS day, cancer day, Labour Day and today Women's Day
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir? Me: ok, but no tongue
Drug addiction runs in my family. I come from a long line of cocaine.
Wats d difference between Las Vegas n Wuhan..wat happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
Coronavirus - explained in dancing. You and nine friends are dancing together. One friend is dancing while sprinkling glitter. How many friends leave the dance party wearing glitter?
HOLIDAY HACK: *Holds finger up, and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been..
When a woman says "He used me for sex". It really means 'I only shagged him to get something else out of him, but it failed'.
What, you have a gravy boat!! Where is this gravy river you speak of?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
'All right!!! STOP, COLLABORATE and LISTEN" ~ Vanilla Ice's Attorney.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. :)
I bet Peter is pissed off they keep stealing from him. On a side note, Paul seems to be pretty happy.
I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My junk is now 235 feet long.
My wife's method of waking me up is pretty much the same as a solider waking up a prisoner of war.
Accompanied by girlfriend to a special screening of "Magic Mike XXL" last night. The nudity....The foul language.... The ladies screaming at the top of their lungs. And that was just me standing in line for popcorn.... 