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Avoid disappointment, always assume you mean nothing 
Not sure if everyone knows how to play the harmonica or no one knows how to play the harmonica
See where Pistorius is released after one year to house arrest...wonder is he has to wear an ankle braclet.....
When you have a mouthful of turkey and someone says "Let us pray."
Don't waste my time. That's my job.
I just had a WTF moment when Adele stoped singing and immediately turned into Mrs. Doubtfire. I also just learned that she has a potty mouth, and I like it!
I can't believe I used to talk to people.
Daylight Savings is a German idea, circa 1895. I guess the world figured, "None of Germany's other Ideas has turned out bad, so why not?"
says people with children always ask when you're having children like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Image makeover idea #1: Haiti should rename itself Likey.
*Looks at Olive Garden menu.... "Waiter?,, Up up down down left right left right B A"... Waiter: "Unlimited breadsticks, coming right up"
I can never remember if it's water or coffee that fights a hangover. Or sleep. Or sex. Or bacon? F cuk, math is hard.
My neighbor has a toilet marked "FREE" on his front lawn. Either offering a free used potty or he's part of the Toilet Liberation Army.
A 16-year-old kid got on an airplane in San Jose, but he didn't really get on. He just climbed up into the landing gear on a flight to Hawaii. At JetBlue that's business class.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don't cry when I'm chopping up men.
Well, it's 12:30pm and I have seven dollar bills to my name. I guess it's that age old question: Lunch? Or Lotto scratchers.
I like Carrie Underwood better on Sunday night football
I had to go on a second diet. The one wasn't giving me enough food.
I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.
Where's Heat Miser when you need him? 