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If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise 
I just found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me with the Middle Linebacker from Notre Dame.
I trick girls into 69 by giving them upside down hugs.
trying to have sex when you're wasted is like trying to play pool with a piece of string
I feel bad for whoever has to explain the Harlem Shake to Jesus!
For the first time ever Women's IQ test scores are higher than Men's!......But to keep it fair they didn't include the ''Blondes'' scores!!!
"Val Kilmer really was the best Batman." ~Nobody, not even Val Kilmer
I don't hate you! I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank...
I love wanking in the shower but I've been told that if I do it again, they're gonna revoke my gym membership.
I don't care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I'll give it back for Christmas.
States that issue Food Stamps should also legalize marijuana, They just go hand and hand
Two cars crashed into each other in Mexico. 57 Dead.,
Nicholas Cage is the Nickleback of actors.
Bacon is bacon; eggs is eggs; dont let them boys between your legs; they'll say your cute; they'll say your fine; 9 months later they'll say it ain't mine.
"We Found Love in a Swollen Face" by Rihanna ft. Chris Brown
Carrie Fisher had information to get Hillary arrested. But just in case Hillary's people got to her, she passed along the info to her mom.
"Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening."
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Casey Anthony just landed a new job as Obama's new abortion czar.
N.A.S.A. found water on Mars. Good thing they didn't find oil otherwise Mars might become the first terrorist planet. 