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Long Island Iced Tea drinks should be called "Learn to Plank in one evening." 
Get naked. I'm ready to ruin your loneliness.
What would happen if you hired two private investigators to follow each other?
I hate ppl and their fake diseases: ADD is not an excuse for ur stupidity...
If you're a man who adds extra letters to words like "Heyyy" or "Thanksss", you should be really ashamed of yourself.
The instructions on the shampoo were not clear enough and now I need help removing the bottle from my ass :'(
Ive been to many second hand stores in my day and never have I come across a rasberry beret
I want to make a puzzle that says "Get a job you loser" after its completed.
If I had a dollar for every time someone caught me dancing & singing to 90's songs in my car I could afford to tint these windows.
Last night I tried to hang myself with about 20 bungee cords... If you're wondering,,, I almost died a bunch of times
So what, if Mayans got it all wrong, its not the end of the world!!!
No need to get in shape for me. At work, I get enough exercise by jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, knifing co-workers in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck!
When I get married: we're having all kinds of sex.. Where you been Sex..Random Sex.. Angry Sex.. We're out of sugar Sex...After eating KFC Sex
"I'm just sayin. It'd be better without the raisins." ------[ Everything with raisins ]
Happy Hump Day means zip to the 15% who work weekends, the 30% who do six days a week, 8% unemployed, 10% disabled, 15% on call, and the 20% who are retired. To the 2% that this actually applies to....bl0w me.
Girls: All guys are a*seholes!. Me: Nooo they're not, I'm right here!!!! :(
All stick figure people are black and all of the family stickers on peoples cars are white
I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.
It was so cute when you called me last night... LOL JK, don`t you ever interrupt my sleep again.
In 5 years there will be no such thing as a baby gender - scan? You'll have to wait until it's 10 years old for it to tell you if it's a boy or a girl! 