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If your woman is feeling down, be there to feel her up! 
Ladies need to learn how to moan during sex, some of you women be sounding like wrestlers
Tim Tebow is staying in the pocket longer than the condom I had in Jr. High
F#cked up like a Snake in a Lawnmower
Albert Pujols $250M baseball contract is totally unfair. He should give some of those $ to players who aren't nearly as good. WTF, we should occupy his house.......
That sh1tty moment when ur CapriSun doesn't have a straw.
When you can't find the remote, all trust is gone. Me: "Have you seen the remote?" Sis: "No??" Me: "Stand the f*ck up!!"
Fact: Women are the leading cause of herpes. How do I know? It isn't called "HISpes" is it?
it just me or the New Facebook Layout kinda looks like the ol Myspace? O_o
If it weren't for texting driving would be so boring!
This status contains no juice.
I dont always drink tequila,but when I do,I get f**king beligerent...stay away from me my friends!
God gave me the ability to pee and brush my teeth at the same time. I'm like the Tim Tebow of he bathroom.
I can't afford a police siren so I just taped a crying baby to the top of my car. It's working, people are moving out of my way.
Boycott IHOP!,,,, And only buy domestic.
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I have alzheimer's.................hey I just met you.
I don't hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank! (".)
Fat Tuesday, the day obese people look forward to. The day they think it's socially acceptable to wear leggings and belly shirts. It's not.
Welcome to the Betty Ford Clinic, my name is Charlie and I'll be your bartender for the evening. What'll ya have?
My mates a transvestite - He likes to eat, drink and be Mary 