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Hoes looking for attention… Haters looking for a mention… Welcome to Facebook. 
If your name is John, your parents were just lazy when they named you.
Alanis Morissette sang about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. Question: why do you have 10,000 spoons?
Accidentally spilled tear gas, and then realized there's no point in crying over it.
Me: Do you want some more toast?... 6yr old: Yes... ME: Yes what?... 6yr old: ???... Me: What’s the magic word?... 6yr old: Abracadabra?
The new mac pro is 9.9 in long and black...Does the white version comes in 6 in?
It's too bad religion doesn't have the same first rule as fight club.
So I assume the holes in fly swatters are there to give flies a fighting chance?
The majority of my childhood was spent naming one of my settlers in Oregon Trail after an enemy then doing all I could to help them die of dysentery
I was raped in jail ! My friends take monopoly way too serious.
"There is nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home." -- Hillary Clinton, probably
stocking up on Hurricanes for the hurricane
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
there's no fool like an old fool. But some of you young fools are showing real promise!
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
check my math here...but isn't the square root of 69, eight sumthin
I got first draft in my fantasy foosball team. Once again, my top pick: the plastic dude with the metal rod through his torso.
Why does everyone love dolphins so much? They're mammals that can breathe under water and they're smarter than us. We should be worried.
umm can I have a coke?” “is pepsi ok?” “I dont know is monopoly money ok?”
If these walls could talk, they'd say "OH GOD, This HURTS! Get these nails out of me! Why did you paint me Mauve? Make it stop!" 