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I really hope 2015 is a better year. 
" You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot." I meant you and your friends!
"Cigarette butts are completely natural, bidegradable, and are in no way whatsoever litter" ~ Smokers
For my next magic trick I'm going to turn your washing machine into a toilet.
Education: n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
The American bald eagle is no longer America's National Bird...it is now Obama's middle finger
Life and beer are very similar... chill for best results.
If the Russians Hacked the election system .... Wouldn't it be the candidate with the Most votes/Popular vote that the Russians were supporting?
Chicago is already doing a lot to Make America Great Again
Jared Kushner gained the President's trust by banging the hottest chick the President knows.
I was up all night wondering why I have insomnia when it dawn on me.
Somebody needs to invent a mirror that takes pictures,...... Then uploads directly to Facebook.......
I'm immune to your accusations of homophobia.Some of my best shirts are gay.
No matter how hot you think you look , a public restroom self taken picture makes you very unattractive.
I wonder if any of the jurors would let Casey Anthony babysit their kids...
The guy who predicted the end of the world moved the date to Oct/Nov. That's not the end of the world, it's just another Twilight film.
in a land of chimpanzees I was a monkey
Never take anyone seriously who takes GOLF seriously.
I dont do foreplay before sex...I'm not the type of guy beat around the bush.....
i go through my "friends who are on chat" list and see whose on thinking to myself which ones I would have sex with 