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Early to bed, Early to rise, Makes a man healthy, wealthy and without any friends with good after-hours stories. 
I'm not one to brag but....when I perspire, I release a gentle odor of Doritos and bacon.
As if I needed anything else to stress about now I have to worry about kids getting high on something called flakka and chewing my face off.
I've time traveled almost an infinite number of times to stop myself from eating too much pizza, but every time,, future me just joins past me in eating it*
My girlfriend asked me to make her feel special, so I bought her a coloring book and crayons .
Uber has announced that their first self-driving cars will hit the streets within weeks. Nice of them to give us a running start.
Probably the coolest thing about this new Steven Seagal blow up doll is the ego inside inflates itself.
If the cops show up, I've been here since noon and this is just ketchup on my shirt. Cool?
Eating candy wafers prepare children for eating Tums when they get older.
An Olympian biting their gold medal only it's me biting the wine cork I just pulled out with my teeth.
Hillary says if elected, along with your government cheese, you will also get a cheese grater. #MakeAmericaGrateAgain
Heres an idea band-aid people: Clear band-aids so you dont have to keep taking them off to show people your cuts.
Celebrating 100 years of people getting false news on the Internet.
Considering they got in a car and floated off into the sky I'd really like to know where Danny and Sandy went off to....
I have NO idea who James Corden is, but I would'nt drive with him.
Wondering if Quentin Tarantino is directing 2016?!?!
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you've got alzheimers.
Perhaps it's best that Jack went crazy in The Shining because if he took that book to a publisher, boy that would've been embarrassing.
Are we scraping you off the floor or the ceiling today?
Playing dice with squirrels in parks is strictly prohibited. 