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Happy Mothers Day!! For those who aren't Moms and want to be I'm available!!! 
The easiest person to make fun of today would have to been the Walmartian who was stalking the corn dog samples.
Do they have Twitter in prison? I'm asking for a friend....
If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go through life thinking we had no faults at all
I think I just seenPodesta going down I95 in a white ford bronco
"The sixth sick sheikh's sixth sheep's sick." Say that three times fast.
I was going to sweep her off her feet until she flew away on my broom.
My wife worked my ass off yesterday. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.
My son asked me what a dilemma was? "Imagine you're naked and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other... Who are you going to turn your back on?"
Surely if Steve Buscemi of all ugly people can have a successful career in Hollywood, there is nothing that should stop you from achieving your own goals.
Nothing says IN GOD WE TRUST quite like having nuclear weapons.
Ving, my Asian friend wanted to change his name to Lee. We filled out the paperwork and went to the name change office and got in line. He got nervous and wanted to change his mind but I said "Don't stop, be Lee Ving!!"
Jeff Bezos: "Alexa. Buy me something from Whole Foods." Alexa: "Buying Whole Foods." Bezos: "$h!t."
An American cop fearing for his/her life has a right to take yours even if that fear is unfounded.
If you take a girl to dinner, don't make your eyes huge when you look at the prices on the menu and then tell her she can order a hot dog or a hamburger from the children's menu. (Trust me on this one...)
There's a big difference between a girl and a guy using a whole box of kleenex while watching a movie...
Take the number of letters in your last name and divide that by your pin number. What answer did you get? That's correct.
Its so hot outside, the little devil that sits on my shoulder trying to be a bad influence just jumped off my shoulder and started digging his way back to hell.
The Dallas Cowboys just offered OJ a 2 year contract.
If I was out there on a boat or scuba diving, It'd be "shart week" for me 