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I spend way too much time figuring out how I'm gonna get drunk. 
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, & my alarm clock is the police.
facebook ruined it, whatever happen to actually telling people how you feel?! Nowadays you can just hide behind your status...
I saw 2 deaf chicks arguing today... one of them said "You betta keep my name out yo hands B!TCH!"
When I think about how much time I've spent on Facebook, I wonder how many miles I've scrolled on my mouse wheel.
Just saw a baby that was wearing a shirt that said, "not everything stays in Vegas"
It amazes me how all of these infomercials talk about different ways to make your pen!s larger, but they never mention just playing with it.
Ambulances and women have a lot in common… they both make a ton of noise to let you know they are coming!
That ackward moment when you send a specific text to the wrong person.
Whoever said, "love conquers all" obviously wasn't very good with a gun.
The only time its acceptable for a girl to spit is if its into another girls mouth.
Apparantly Friday was National Day of the Ninja. I was completely unaware of it. Well played Ninja Day… well played
That one creaky floorboard that blows your cover.
Everyone is FAKE one way or another. Whether it's their hair, their ascent, their boobs, their Gucci bag, their personality, or their smile.
If you go to sleep drunk ... are you drunk in your dreams ??
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
you know it's cold when chickens are running to KFC to use the deep fryer.
Just threw away a trash can. That was weird. #binception
Merry Christmas to the Bathroom models around the world.
I thought you had a moment of holiday cheer come over you. It was gas, you are disgusting. 