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Thanksgiving's the sexy holiday, right? No? Am I allowed to make it sexy? 
Ladies: Today marks the start of Occupy My Bed Week.
Autocorrect thinks idea sells furniture.
Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass in prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!
I believe I Will be wrapping all my gifts in insulation this year since everybody's itching to see what I got them!
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, then the life of someone who lives there must become a void once they leave town.
"To Hell with them fellas. Buzzards gotta eat same as worms."-Josie Wales
An fool is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup
Short skirts have a tendency to make gentlemen out of men. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise... saving a step in the sandwich making process.
Today is the worst day ever! (wait for the "what's wrong?" reply. Then post "Today, I finished off the Thanksgiving leftovers".
enough with this Victoria Secret nonsense. If I'm watching a chick on tv, she's gotta be naked plain and simple. Girls Gone Wild is the lowest I go
i'm not an alcoholic, i'm a drunk... alcoholics go to meetings
Newt Gingrich doesn't just have skeletons in his closet, he has the whole bone army from the 7th Voyage of Sinbad.
A hooker approached me while she was eating a bag of Lays. I instinctively produced a bag of Wise and ran in the opposite direction.
I'd like to put a big red bow on the coffin of the guy who came up with those Lexus ads.
If life's a b!tch... Why do I have to make my own sandwhich?
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.
"Let's go all the way tonight, no regrets, just love." sounds a lot better than "let's do it tonight, don't even think about how this will affect our lives later, just sex" 