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I'd kiss you right now but my breath would make you instantly drunk! 
I can't fall asleep right now, I'm too busy counting how many hours of sleep I will get if I fall asleep right now.
when people ask....I tell them I been sober for 21 years.
secretly happy the heatwave killed my lawn..does that make me a no-mow
That scary feeling when you realize your kid is bigger than you
You know she is a groupie when she has hundreds of George Clooney pictures in her photo albums and only one of her boyfriend.
Rednecks have extremely generous Toothfairies, the way they keep giving up their teeth 4 in a row:)
Longest minute of life: waiting for food to come out of the microwave...
Thanks FB, for reminding people I haven't seen in 15 years that it's my birthday. Now my day is complete!!
I'm trying to think of a good chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon...
the all star game was last night?? I didn't even know baseball season had started…
Vodka is the missionary position of booze.
Reverse Psychology: If I were you, I wouldn't even bother trying, because you'll probably f*ck it up.
i hate how I walk by the computer and forget what I was planning on doing and instanly check here and facebook lol.
Im all about "I" give the rest of the vowels back.
Just named my new puppy "EGYPT" cause he left a pyramid in every room.
When someone posts pictures of a dance or something, you always look through them to see if you are in the background.
Ladies keep saying "Save the TaTa's" as their Breast Cancer Awareness slogan. I will do my part then ladies so text me a pic of those tittays and I will save them to my phone!
At a cemetary, looking for my name on tombstones. This is the Goth version of Googling yourself.
So now I hear that the world is supposed to end on 21 Oct 2011. There's a greater chance of me growing purple hair, blue teeth and a unicorn horn along with pooping rainbows before I believe that rubbish! 