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"You'd look pretty crazy without us", said her Eyebrows. 
RIP Richard Dawson Family Feud guy
I don't hate anyone enough to want to marry them.
Tell your boss what you really think of him and the truth shall set you free.
Condoms definitely lessen the pleasure but kids kill it altogether.
I got charged with indecent exposure for telling jokes naked at Home Depot. In my defense, “stand up shower” is very misleading.
Kanye West should be coming out with ''Gold Digger'' part 2 anytime now...
No human being in the history of the world has ever enjoyed hearing about another human being's workout.
If you have to kiss ass to get ahead… you got behind.
says I just want to find someone that doesn't deserve my affection so I don't feel guilty when I treat them like sh!t.
When one door closes… the dress falls off.
Magic Johnson just said Lebron is special. When a guy who beat AIDS calls you special, then you know!
Hey alcohol and aspirin companies... Have you two met each other? Team up all ready and make that sh*t happen! Sincerely, Hungover as hell!
oh hey Sobriety! no thanks, it's Saturday! Maybe you'll have better luck on Monday...
You don't need reasons to kill people, you need opportunities.
Would you like your disappointment on the rocks?
Today is Flag Day...Where can I plant mine?:)
My ex called me today. I told her she was on my mind a lot today. She thought it was sweet, really though it's trash day here.
Don't go out there alone... Take this status update with you.
KIDS trust me when I say this: you are NOT missing out on anything if you were to take a nap. 