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B!tch please! The only reason I sent you a friend request is because I want to see for myself if you are as slutty as your profile pic insinuate. 
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river
Women want solutions. Men don't want problems.
217. I hate it when you go out on a date with a girl and she asks to hold her purse and it doesn't match your shoes.
This infomercial salesman just screamed that the phones are going crazy, so I immediately threw mine across the room and sheltered in place.
I wish Adele would get dumped again so she can make some new music.
I have no point.... I have a sharp knife tho, will that make up for it?
The one night I wish I was a cop... amateur night.
If I poke you on Facebook and you poke me back does that mean we just had Facebook sex? & if I poke you and you didn't want to be poked did I just rape your page?
My skull organ no work so good this day.
will not be available to post bail on the 31st, due to a previous engagement
In Australia, lawsuits are just what lawyers wear to court.
Everytime I've had to buy a pregnancy test for a woman and it comes up negative Joe Cocker's Feeling Alright plays loudly in my head.
When someone you're on the phone with says, "Uh huh" for no apparent reason...you know there's another person there that just whispered to the person you're talking to, "Is it that assh*le?"
2012 has arrived on schedule. Please wait until the New Year has come to a complete STOP before unfastening your seatbelts....
Thou shall not call thyself a barbie, when thou looketh like precious!
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I had my identity stolen the day after Christmas. It was reurned in yesterday's mail with $20 and a note that read, "Damn dude, no one owants to be you!"
predicting to go another year without love... as long as I have apple juice I'm good though.
Don't do drugs; they can mess up your finances. You can save some money and get the same effect from just standing up really fast. 