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Lazy Rule #227- I only buy Peanut Butter & Jelly when its swirled together cuz I aint got no time for all that two jar sh*t... 
My dogs are getting to smart they now bark shotgun when I take them for a car ride..
its midnight and theres a party next door. I dont know what to bring. I think I'll bring my lawnmower
1 out of 8 people suffers from multiple personality disorder but to that one person that statistic would be 3 out of 8.
Do the 60+ woman at the post office with the kabuki mask makeup wearing the black halter top with Baby in rhinestones...... Oh whatever just work it grandma your awesome.
The snookie and mayans thing is getting old now look at the previous jokes before doing a duplicate
My "Baggage" flies on a broom and smells of brimstone...
You know how sometimes you accidentally drop food on the floor and eat it anyways? I just did that with soup
Theres a new movie coming out starring Miley Cyrus...Its name? "LOL"...the Mayans were right people..
Yo, Tupac, I'm really happy for you; I'mma let you finish... but Princess Leia had the best hologram of all time. All time!
First GPS, now SIRI,,,more women telling me what to do and where to go !!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you had a donkey and it ate a roosters feet and got sick, would you call the vet and say your ass doesn't feel good because there is two feet of c0ck in it?
Somebody just told me "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"..so I asked him "how many apples does it take to keep YOU away?"
Everytime I give blood,,, they asking where I got it..
*BREAKING NEWS* The man who recently took Ryanair to court after they misplaced his luggage, has lost his case!
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
Celebrate Earth Day ...because it's much more enjoyable than living on the moon !
Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
LIKE If you've ever laughed so hard, no noise comes out, so you sit there clapping like a dumbfounded seal.
If you ever actually see me smiling at my desk it means I'm stretching out my genit@ls into different animal shapes. 